As she should be.

Happy Mother’s Day Meezer!

I adore my mother. And I never could fully understand what she meant until I became a mother myself. She is right. She does love me more. But I love her so, so, so, much.Sometimes my heart could burst at how very thankful I am to have my Meezer. As MY mom. I am truly the envy of all (ok, a lot of)  my friends.

Seriously, where were these weight gain genes during my pregnancies? 17 pounds. Totally unfair. But how beautiful is she? So adoring. Of me. And Eddie. Thank you for loving us so completely and fully and teaching us that we are deserving of happiness.

Thank you mom for teaching me that Sun-In is ALWAYS a bad idea. But letting me figure it out on my own. Thank you for showing me that to cackle and enjoy life. It is far better to be having the fun than to listen to the naysayers. We may be a little loud and overwhelmed in laughter but we refuse to through life crying or just not experiencing that kind of joy at all. How I wish Gia could have had one card game with Sis and Grandma. That group of five cackling together would be a moment to go down in history.

My Meezer taught me that there is obnoxious; and there is border line obnoxious. Walk the line.

Gia has my mother’s genes. Lucky. Her lean frame and legs for days. Her big heart and emotions on her sleeve. Her willingness to give until the point of breaking. The relationship that these two have is so dear and special. Smelling roses. Doing crafts- that never come out right. But the memories are made. And cherished.

My mom has been there for every important moment of my life. The gut wrenching, I should be ashamed of myself moments, to the pride inducing ones. Supporting me every step of the way. She has not always been proud, but she has always been there. Which is such a testament to who she is. As a mother it is very hard to constantly support and never give up. But she didn’t. Not once. Even though I was mean. Often.

My moms friends and co-workers often say she is well gifted by my brother and I. And she is. And all the great JCrew gifts in the world can not even compare to the gift she has given us by being our mother.

Happy Mother’s Day. I love you, Mom.

This morning I was doing my daily “me time” and read this:

“Instead of letting our kids live in the realm of excuses we need to help them deal with their tendencies and move on.” -iMom.com

And it just resonated with me so much.  I do indeed have a spunky, creative, out-of-the-box child.  And she is my heart.  She and her (very in the box) brother fill me with so much joy.  It is these unique attributes that make them well, them.  And for that I am so thankful.

But there are societal norms that we have to adhere to in order to function.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting that we squash our children’s unique attributes.  I go above and beyond to foster them.  I do not want my children to conform.  But too often I find we allow those so-called idiosyncratic behaviors to be excuses to not do what you need to do.

In order to be successful, you have to do the work.

In order to be respected, you have to do the work.

In order to be wealthy, you have to do the work.

In order to lose weight, you have to do the work.

In order to make a cake, you have to do the work.

In order to have a clean home, you have to do the work.  Oh wait, you can hire that.  And I firmly believe that I have been affirming since I was six years old that someone will take care of the dirty work for me.  Waiting on the universe to place that in my lap.

…I’m still waiting, but doing the work in the meantime.

In order to be forgiven, you have to do the work.

One of my personal motto’s is “Own your shit.”  Because once you own it you can move forward.  If you never own it you become stagnant.  Or even worse you digress.

I am about to head into a teacher conference.  Which I frankly have no idea what it is about.  But my goal is to be open and receptive to whatever information that I receive and the strength to own my piece of responsibility for Gia and even more difficult as a mom force Gia to own her part in the equation.  Owning her part makes my life easier.  Until I want her to go out and be self sufficient.

I remember being told over and over- “This is harder on me than it is on you.”

The truth to those words is startling.  Wish me luck.

I have a love/hate relationship with running. I absolutely love it when I am out there pounding the pavement getting the endorphin’s but I hate feeling guilty that I have to take the extra time away from my little guy. But a good jogging stroller is hard (and often times insanely expensive) to find. And one that does not take a cumbersome, clunky process I just haven’t found. But this new Graco stroller really has the best of both worlds. Pretty, easy, compact and awesome on the road when running. Which is frankly unbelievable. But I promise you. It is true.

That is where the Graco FastAction™ Fold Jogger Click Connect™ comes to the party. It is fast folding, comfy for my Duke and easy to fold. And when he was a baby- you can just snap in the Graco SnugRide Click Connect™ 35 Infant Car Seat through a secure one-step attachment. For reals. No need to wait the average four months that you have to with some of those other joggers on the market. And, it has these awesome reflectors on the back. So if G is asleep and my little Duke wants some mommy time we can go on an evening run (Kinder starts SOOOO early).

With Ralph’s travel gearing up and this stroller is going to be great for summer evenings. The weather will be cool (ish- kind of, not really) in the evenings and I can put Luke in the stroller and have Gia ride her bike along side. It will be a great way to get the wiggles out before bed which can always be a challenge when I lose my man on man defense.

And the best part? Is that because of this stroller coming into my life I am averaging more and more miles to my week. I am back to averaging 35-45 a week. Which is super exciting.

Graco’s NEW jogger is the ultimate crossover stroller, combining all the comfort and convenience features of a traditional stroller (FastAction Fold and Click Connect Technology) with performance and maneuverability of an all-terrain jogger.

As an added bonus, Graco’s innovative one-second, one-hand FastAction™ fold automatically locks & is self-standing.

This post is sponsored by Graco.

Monday started with tonsils and adenoids out and tubes in. “Goofy Juice” as the nurses like to call it is some pretty funny stuff.  Gia has been blessed with some pretty amazing doctors so if you need any recommendations  just let me know.

Literally the moment I turned off the camera Gia said to me, “Could someone turn out the lights. This is ridiculous.” Genetics are a scary thing. She is so much like me it creeps me out at times. This comedy show was in followed up with some extensive American girl playing and watching- with doses of pretty big pain. But Gia was a champ.

Luke certainly found this week to be trying. Combine extra attention showered on his sister coupled with Gia having unlimited popsicles and two-year-olds think that life is completely, totally, ridiculously unfair. And it is. Life lessons start young around here.

Some parts of this week are vivid in my mind. Moments where Gia looks up at me and says how much she loves being with me. Or times where I was able to lay with her and “cuggle” her like an infant. Very sweet and too quickly passing. Others are just a blur. Trying to do some kind of work (brilliant idea- not so great in execution. Vacation-yay! Surgery-yay! Work from home with no help-yay! Why doesn’t anyone tell me I am an idiot at those moments. For real, I could be walking around with spinach in my teeth and no one would tell me.) taking care of a sick little girl, shuttling Luke to and from school, yada, yada, yada. I can’t even remember it all. I do remember some things- lazy hours on the couch, countless Netflix episodes, books until my jaw hurt, throwing up in IKEA, numerous doctor calls that I became that lady. But some of it I don’t remember and I am all to certain that is a good thing.

Friday night we decided to throw caution to the wind go out to dinner. We were a little stir crazy. And it went so well. Life was just as it should be tortillas on our heads and enjoying the four T’s.

A whirlwind week that I don’t want to forget.  I want to tell Gia and Luke about it when I am old and gray.

Seriously, she is so teeny tiny. Her voice sounds different. Her hair is so short (and forever my favorite cut). Or how about this video?

We still sing this song and do this dance. But I am sure the moments for that are limited. Pretty soon it will not be cool. This girl brings me so much joy. Infuriating moments. And frustration beyond belief (I have met my tenacity match.). But delicious, delightful, wonderful, heart warming joy.

She is at that age where she goes in and out of personalities. One moment she could be mistaken for a teenager and the next it is very possible that Luke is acting older. I know this will pass. All to quickly. I cannot believe how grown up she is.

The great thing about Gia is that her heart is pure. She is kind beyond compare. A few weeks ago she had not been chosen yet to be the class celebrity. And it was a major point of concern. We have multiple celebrity posters in the alley just waiting to be chosen. She was explaining to me that Matthew S. was the celebrity. And I asked her (I also knew she was it the next week) if that made her sad. Her response? “No way! I am just so happy for Matthew S. It is so cool to be the celebrity.” Such a proud mom moment. I wish I could take credit for that, but I am pretty sure that is God given kindness right there. Blessed.

Gia is also loving life right now because Luke copies everything she does. On rare occasion, she pretends it bugs her. But she revels in the attention. The relationship these two have is such a special one. I love watching it evolve.

Gia is this weeks celebrity. She (we) have ached for this moment and it is finally here. Yesterday, we spent the day making the most awesome of posters with Kate and went to bed with the joyful anticipation of sharing the poster will bring.  I am so proud to be her mom.  I am so proud of her quirky nature that brings my life something I never knew was possible.  She has challenged me from the moment of her creation.  I have to dig deep to  be the type of mom that she deserves.  I am thankful every day because without this little spitfire I would be much less of a person.

Gia.  The best celebrity (who looks more like a JCrew model) ever.  And always.

Those eyes. Are captivating and kind.

Happy, happy day! My little Luke is two.

Wait. How did that happen?

I was talking to Aunt Kari yesterday and told her the biggest injustice of parenthood is how fast it goes. And you too will understand when you grow up and become a dad- should you choose.

It is your special day (really I think of it as my special day too- because I met you on this day!) my little Luke the Duke. You are a ray of light. Each day your smile, buck teeth (which I completely take the blame for from the pacifier), side part and the fastest legs I have ever seen bring joy to my heart. Your legs move so fast that you pitter patter through our entire house. And the sound brings me happiness. I want to figure out a way to record it because I know one day you will be big and I will never hear your little feet and that makes me sad.

Everyone loves you. Seriously. God gave you your dad’s charisma. It is nuts. The people at the store, your teacher, your Aunt Jenna, everyone. To know you is to love you. Which is awesome and kind of funny. Because when you are tired, you are a little bit mean. Ok, a lot mean. But no one seems to notice. Your charm somehow makes it go unnoticed by others- with the exception of your sister and I.
You and Daddy sit on the couch and watch football. You yell “TOUCHDOWN” and ask to watch football at every hour of the day. I apologize to your future wife. But it is crazy cute. You love your daddy and want to be outside and work and always build intricate train tracks together. You are both so very suave that we go to dinner and waitresses can hardly stop beaming. Don’t worry, Gia and I make up for it with our wild cackling because we are having so much fun with the two of you.

Two besties.

Speaking of Gia, she is soooo good to you. She includes you, hugs you, loves on you, delights in you. The one thing she does to intentionally aggravate you is placing her hands all over your car seat in the car. You two insist on sitting next to each other. And proceed to bicker the entire time. It is spectacular. Not sure that is something I need to record to re live. You are so kind to others (except when tired) but you can often be a little taunting when Gia is around. You know how to get her goat and you do. Frequently. You want to do everything she does. Every. Single. Thing. Gia does her homework and you have to be given an assignment as well. It is heartwarming. Your Uncle Eddie and I were not super close as kids but have become much closer as adults. I hope you and Gia have a super tight knit relationship your entire lives. It is such a special bond. You two are the most tremendous.

I just think this is the best picture. So you. NEVER without a paci.

You are a mommy’s boy. And I super love it. I have to say that hearing “Hode You” in intervals of ten million can really boost ones self-esteem. It is exhausting. But unfortunately this too will pass. Everyone told me boy’s were different. And boy, are they ever. I think a big part of it is because to grow into a successful adult boys have to create an independence from their parents (more specifically their mothers) and girls don’t. So the time when you are little is different. Not better, just different. You truly think I am the best thing in the world. And my heart swells for you. You don’t challenge me in the same way Gia does (which brings an entirely different kind of pride and jubilation to my heart) and I love you each exactly the same amount in a totally different way. Thank you for teaching me how to grow a heart. It is a blessing that every way possible.

So please just slow down your aging.

Because two years went by in a split second. Before I know it you will be embarrassed by my hot dog dance instead of thinking that JLo has nothing on your mama’s moves.

I adore you. Thank you God for letting me be your mommy. Stay you sweet boy. Stay you.

Mr. Handsome.

I had already apologized. I had already said I was really sorry for yelling because it is not the right thing to do. I had already told her that as much as that was wrong not listening (six times to put on a coat) is not appropriate and to treat others the way you want to be treated (hypocrite yes. I see the irony.)

And then I read this.

Tears started flowing.  Chills ran down my spine.  The breath from my lungs was not attainable.  Fear.  Anxiety.  The list goes on.

Suddenly my perspective was crystal clear.  How lucky I am to have a kindergartener with opinions, aggravations and laughter.  How yelling (a small act of violence) is not acceptable and how who we are creates what our children become.  And the violence that they are exposed to (via games, movies, home, reality) is what desynthesizes them and somehow makes acts like this seem like an ok idea to act upon.

Being a mom is the best gift I have ever been given.  Along with it comes the most intense love that I can ever feel.  Thus, great vulnerability.

My heart goes out and I am praying for the parents of those sweet babies.  Precious babies that may have been expecting a gingerbread man post card today.  I am praying that they each of those families had those blissful mornings.  And none of them are having remorse about any of their actions today.  Because tonight begins a nightmare that will not end for those poor parents.

May peace be with each of you today.  Your pain is pain that no human should ever experience.

And if you are like me- and blessed with happy, vivacious children.  Hold them tight.  And love them.  And be who you want them to become.  Because we are blessed to ask six times for them to put a coat on.  Blessed beyond words.

Yesterday you turned six. We did so many of the things that we have done to celebrate each year of your birth- the sign, the special breakfast, signing, candle blowing, gift opening, and all that jazz. We did a few things that we don’t normally do- church, breakfast with Aunt Jenna, Uncle Eddie, and Kate, lots of phone calls and Sonic eating (gross- I hope this was a one-time thing).

Your birthday party will be less extravagantly customized to your personality and a week late. I didn’t get my act together. I am truly sorry.  I think I still have some tricks up my sleeve to make the “off the shelf” McDonald’s party the six year old event of the year. We shall see.

I adore you. I am typing this and my eyes are welling with tears. Tears of pride, excitement, sadness, guilt, love, the list just doesn’t end. You won’t understand until you become a mom yourself. There is no way to articulate just how much I love you.

In so many ways you are a mirror of me. Good and bad. But the bad in me manifests itself as unique, spunky, and awesome in you.

I have never been more scared then the day I found out I was pregnant with you. So many emotions that you and I will one day discuss. And the day that you were sent to the NICU I have never been more devastated and hollow of the thought of the unknown. We spent nearly two years in this territory and every day my love for you grew (and continues too). As I told you yesterday- I love you 2,190 times more than I did on that warm November day in Thousand Oaks, California. And probably more because some days my love for you quadruples. That formula is one that your dad will have to craft on Excel or something. The vulnerability that comes with loving someone as much as I love you is inexplicable. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to love like this. Because everyone should have the chance. And I get to do it with you, your brother, and your dad but you started it. Your presence in my life showed me that it was possible and how to do it. Thank you.

Right now you don’t really like toys. You like to imagine. You are either loving on babies or screaming at students or creating a store for Christmas shopping. You are an innovator. Nothing is used as it is “should be”- and I adore that about you. I will let you in on a little secret- I want nothing more in life than to show you how to break the correct rules and obey the necessary ones. I am still trying to figure out how to do that. That is my goal. Your potential is ridiculous. Most people don’t have an inkling of how smart you are. That is such a secret weapon. My sweet girl, I smile inside when you get sent home with “purple” for hugging. Because who wants to get “gold” when it means going without a hug. Much less a hug for someone that has had a bad day? Not me or you.

As much as I miss that sweet, soft newborn, the vivacious one year old, the conversational two year old, the sassy three year old, the defiant four year old, and the outspoken five year old and what I wouldn’t give for just a few more moments with each of those Gia’s I can only imagine how fantastic six is going to be. Because it means I will love you at least 365 times more than I do today. We all know it will be more.

I love you. For you. Please don’t ever lose your dedication to being you. That would be a tragedy to the world. Happy Birthday my heart. Gia.

Love, Mommy (Which I love that you still call me and hope that you never stop.)

That is a paper head dress.  For the Thanksgiving Feast today at school.  It is supposed to have craft jewels, craft feathers, etc.  Instead it has twine and construction paper feathers.

Now Mrs. M will be shaking her head that Gia and I did not follow directions.  But who wants to have exactly what the other kids have?

Yep.  Not anyone with Z blood.  Plus.  Have you seen the prices on craft feathers?  It is criminal.  Criminal, I tell you.